The Pantheon of hate-ability

First Posted: 10:33 am - July 13th, 2015 Updated: 10:33 am - July 13th, 2015.

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The Los Angeles Clippers even less likable than the wildly unhelpful Microsoft Word mascot, Clippy.

The Clippers are easier to hate than the New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys. The sheer unlikability of the Clippers now dwarfs LeBron James’ penchant for tattooing himself with royal monikers and Dywane Wade’s continued existence.

The Clippers now make the Bad Boy-era Pistons look like America’s Team in comparison. The LeBron-era Miami Heat are treasured in the national collective compared to pure vitriolic vile every decent person should now reserve for the Los Angeles Clippers.

The Clippers are worse than simultaneously stubbing your toe while biting your tongue.

The Clippers are the absolute worst. I hope every Clippers road game is a 48 minute chorus of boos.

It is important to be aware of how the Clippers have risen to the upper echelon of hate normally reserved for genocidal despots, so that other teams can avoid the Clippers’ mistakes. Of course, other teams probably have a since of common decency and a modicum of business acumen, so it probably wouldn’t reoccur anyway.

The dust had mostly settled from the NBA’s frenzied free agent period. Although a moratorium is put in place, by the time contracts are allowed to be signed, pen meeting paper is a formality, because contract terms and team changes are verbally hashed out. Players were allowed to begin negotiating on July 1, but could not physically sign anything until July 9.

While it is technically possible to back out, to renege on one of these verbal agreements instantly creates a toxic reputation for a player, and makes it significantly more difficult for an agent to work with NBA teams.

However, DeAndre Jordan just displayed as much interest in rank and file protocol as he does in improving his free throw shooting. Jordan backed out of a verbal commitment to the Dallas Mavericks and decided to re-sign the Los Angeles Clippers.

That’s already pretty unlikable. Agreeing in principal to a four-year $80 million contract with a franchise hoping to make you a building block, then backing out is a low blow, but the way it came about was even worse.

The Clippers owner Steve Ballmer, coach Glen “Doc” Rivers and several players — including anthropomorphised Kia commercial Blake Griffin and noted groin-puncher Chris Paul — lobbied Jordan to flip-flop. They then sat with Jordan in his locked house until the moratorium was lifted, and he could sign a more lucrative contract to return to Los Angeles.

It was never totally clear why Jordan decided to leave the best pure point guard since John Stockton and a sane version of Shawn Kemp with a better mid-range game to join the mummified Dirk Nowitzki and role players, but he did. Then he didn’t.

The anticipated occupation of cap space and roster spot tied Dallas’ hands prevented them from pursuing other options at center and since other, less heinous professional athletes are tied to verbal commitments, it’s not readily apparent how they’ll fill this role. Jordan’s decision isn’t only self-serving, but it actively and severely hurts another basketball team.

To compound this, the Clippers were already tenaciously unlikable before Jordan’s decision.

While both Paul and Griffin are top 10 quality NBA players, Paul is surly, a control freak on the court and the Bruce Bowen of point guards. Griffin is much more tolerable, but he’s ubiquitous in commercials, which could chafe less marketable players. Plus, the Clippers constantly flopped, whined to refs and,most importantly,generally under-performed in the playoffs.

One of the least likable teams in the NBA just actively poached a player from a conference rival by holding the 26-year-old man hostage in his own house.

That is how you join mosquitoes, Mondays and Three Stooges shorts featuring Joe in the Pantheon of hate-ability.

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